Kakistocracy L:The A-Z Of Why Nobody Should Vote Conservative On The 4th Of July (Or Ever Again).

In three days time, on Thursday 4th July, the country will finally have the chance to rid itself of the most corrupt, cruel, and criminal government in its modern history. It is imperative everybody gets out and votes the Tories out. Ideally, there will be no Tory MPs left following the election. That's highly unlikely but they should at least be destroyed as a serious political force for a generation. Or forever. This may sound mean spirited but I hold the entire Conservative Party in total and utter contempt for what they've done to the country, what they've done to politics in the country, and what they've done to the idea of telling the truth. Here's an A-Z of why I deeply and firmly believe they should be permanently removed from power.

Austerity. The Austerity programme that was introduced by then Prime Minister David Cameron and then Chancellor George Osborne has, according to the National Institute for Health and Care Research - an actual goverment body, been responsible for a rise in suicide attempts as people struggle to make ends meet, or even survive, under this cruel and regressive policy. The Royal Society of Medicine estimates that in 2015 alone 30,000 lives were lost due to austerity. Multiply this by the fourteen years the Tories have been in power and we're looking at 420,000 deaths. All because David Cameron wanted to act tough.

Under A we can also find Lee Anderson. Or 30p Lee. He's managed to go from being a Corbyn supporter in the Labour Party to the Tories and on to Nigel Farage's fascist Putin supporting Reform Party. While a Tory he suggested meals could be cooked for 30p, said he'd not support the England football team because they were taking the knee, told asylum seekers in the Bibby Stockholm they could "fuck off back to France", and eventually left the Conservative Party after suggesting that London mayor Sadiq Khan was controlled by Islamists.

Brexit. Everything about it, from start to finish, has been a complete and utter disaster. It has emboldened the most craven and dishonest of MPs, it caused the death of Jo Cox, it has weakened the British economy, it has weakened Britain's world standing, and it has divided families up and down the country. None of the promises made by the Brexit brigade have been kept and everyone is worse off because of it. Those who supported it and claimed they "won" eight years ago didn't win. They lost. Everyone lost. There were no winners.

Under B we can also find performatively cruel politicians like Kemi Badenoch and Suella Braverman. The latter of whom dreams, fantasises one suspects, of immigrants being sent to Rwanda. You can also find Peter Bone, the former Tory MP for Wellingborough who had to resign (eventually) after a report found he had committed "many varied acts of bullying and one act of sexual misconduct". Essentially, he stuck his dick, Bone's bone, in a male employee's face.

Covid. Nobody can blame the Tories for the existence of Covid but we should hold them accountable for their terrible response to it. Boris Johnson held off a lockdown for much too long, he boasted of shaking hands with coronavirus victims in hospital, and then, after nearly dying of it himself, him and his cronies and colleagues partied the nights away while others were unable to hug their dying parents and grandparents. This alone should mean they're never anywhere near power again.

Under C you can also find David Cameron, the man who kicked off this fourteen year shitshow, as well as Therese Coffey, the unhealthiest looking Health Secretary of all time (and one who suggested, dangerously, that people could simply share their prescriptions - which is illegal). Then there's former Olympic rower and posh boy James Cracknell who is aiming to become the Tory MP for Colchester during the upcoming election despite describing his own party as a "shower of shit". Then there's the Culture Wars in which, in lieu of policies and practical solutions, Tory MPs simply claim that things are too 'woke'. Despite not seeming to even understand the meaning of that word.

D-Day. The commemoration of which didn't detain Rishi Sunak too long. See also the wet and weak Deputy Prime Minister Oliver Dowden (so ineffectual I suspect most of the country don't even know he is the Deputy Prime Minister) and the mad as a box of frogs Nadine Dorries who when not getting sexually excited by Boris Johnson imagines that a shady cabal of Tory politicians with names like Dr No, The Wolf, and The Dark Lord plotted to overthrow Boris Johnson which, for some reason, involved killing and torturing animals. She may not be in the Tory party any more but the fact she ever was speaks volumes about the sort of people they will let in.

E is for ethics of which the Conservative Party no longer have any need for. But let's name a couple of specific Es starting with the effluence that they have allowed to pollute the beachs and rivers of the UK and going on to the election itself and the illegal betting that Conservative insiders have been involved in. It's been said, often, that though the Tories are terrible at governing, they are good at campaigning. The last few weeks (and this betting scandal specifically) have proved that to be far from true.

Food bank usage. In 2010 there were 60,000 people in the UK reliant on food banks. Now there are just shy of 3,000,000. That statistic alone should damn this rotten Tory government forever.

Under F you can also find Mark Francois, the Poundland Penfold and the chairman of the right wing headbangers European Research Group.

Gove (Michael). Sadly standing down at the election, depriving us of the chance of enjoying him lose his Surrey Heath seat. Gove is a good barometer of bad ideas. If Gove is for it (Brexit, Dominic Cummings testing his eyes on a road trip to Barnard Castle) you can be sure it's a bad idea. It was quite funny that time he rocked up in his suit at an Aberdeen nightclub and started raving. It was almost like he'd dropped an e - but we all know Gove would never ever take drugs.

Another useless G is Chris 'Failing' Grayling and while we're on the Gs let's not forget Grenfell, Boris Johnson's downgrading of the disaster, the same clown's rude remarks to the fire service, and Theresa May's inability to even act like a human being when she visited the site.

Hancock (Matt). The former Health Secretary, groper of staff, serial bullshitter, crocodile cryer, and ostrich anus eater. Nobody needs reminding why Hancock was so dire but let's not forget it was Johnson who gave him that job and in this version of the Tory party his rise wasn't an outlier.

Also for H we have Hunt (Jeremy) who's in charge of the economy while it's tanking. Also:-homelessness which has increased by 17.5% in the UK since 2010.

Immigration. Brexit was supposed to stop most immigration. It hasn't happened. The Tories are always keen to make immigration a hot topic yet fail to actually have a plan on how to deal with it. One thing they could have done (but didn't, and won't) is to talk about all the benefits of immigration.

Johnson (Boris). The biggest ever cunt to ever be British PM (Truss was terrible but she was more a symptom of long Johnson and he can be blamed for her). Almost every word out of his mouth was lie, he partied while he ordered us all to stay in. The list of his crimes are so long they would fill this entire piece. His name isn't even Boris but idiots still insist on calling him that.

Kwarteng (Kwasi). The chancellor when Liz Truss was PM and therefore one of those most responsible for her utterly disastrous 'mini-budget'.

Levelling up (or lack of it). A vote winner for the Tories was quickly forgotten when they took power. Most Tories hate northerners and think they're all stupid - but they do like their votes. For the shame, a significant number of them gave them their vote.

Also for L we can have the cost of Living crisis and noted homophobe Andrea Leadsom

May (Theresa). On the face of it, the sanest of the five individuals who have held the top job during the fourteen year shitshow. In reality, hopelessly weak as she danced to the tune of the right of her party and sent out vile "go home" vans and boasted of turning the UK into a "hostile environment". One thing, to be fair, the Tories did deliver.

Let's not forget either Michelle Mone who became a baroness and made £200,000,000 providing defective PPE products during the pandemic. Or Esther McVey, the Minister for Common Sense who was found to be claiming expenses for a flat she doesn't live in while at the same time going on about 'Whitehall waste'. Hypocrite,

NHS. The Tories never wanted the NHS (Labour brought it in) and they don't want it now - so they don't fund it properly. Do you seriously imagine Rishi Sunak uses the NHS.

One N they seem to be keen on of late, however, is national service. A pathetic sop to try and attract older voters who won't have to do it, there seems to be no plan of how to implement it or what it would actually entail. No policy whatsoever. Just a moronic soundbite from a party clean out of ideas.

Osborne (George). His smug face would be reason enough (a face you'd never tire of punching) but as Cameron's chancellor he was one of the chief architects of the deadly austerity programme. Rightly booed at the 2012 Paralympics. 

Partygate. They went on the telly and told us not to mix with anyone from outside of our own homes (even if they were dying). Then they went straight to parties with karaoke, suitcases full of wine, and some truly horrendous outfits and canapes.

Let's also take time out to remember the horrendous smirking and death penalty supporting former Home Secretary Priti Patel, Owen Paterson (who had to resign over broken paid advocacy rules) and Chris Pincher (who had to resign after living up to his name).

Queues at Dover are pretty much a feature of any long distance lorry driver's life these days. Thanks both to Brexit and the bungled way it was handled.

Rees-Mogg (Jacob). This is the one I'm hoping will provide us with a Portillo moment. Another homophobe who would also ban all abortions and suggested that those that died in the Grenfell fire did so because they lacked "common sense". A nastier piece of work, it'd be hard to find.

Serial bully and former Deputy Prime Minister Dominic Raab needs an honorary mention for presiding over the botched evacuation of Kabul. An event he didn't bother coming back from holiday for because, he claimed, "the sea was closed". Then there's Rwanda where we send our Foreign Secretaries but where we won't be sending any illegal immigrants.

Sunak (Rishi). After the disaster of Liz Truss, Sunak promised "integrity, professionalism, and accountabilty". Spoiler alert - he lied. The man who launched Eat Out To Help Spread Covid has been an absolute disaster as PM which is hardly surprising as he was feckless enough to serve under Johnson. Another one fined (a meagre amount considering his vast wealth) for attending lockdown parties. Vote him out to help out - and someone give him an umbrella.

Truss (Liz). Where the fuck do you start with this lunatic? Famously outlasted by a lettuce, her tenure was so disastrous it may take us decades to recover from the damage she did. Even now, she is completely unrepentant, blaming everyone else for her own failure as she shares the stage with conspiracy theorists and travels around America shilling for the convicted felon Donald Trump. In the photo above she looks happy about something. My guess is she's just tortured a hamster.

Union Jack. The Tories love a flag. Not a Pride flag though. No, they love a massive Union Jack flag. Some people have been very unkind by calling them flag-shaggers.

Villiers (Theresa). While serving as Secretary of State for Environment, Food, and Rural Affairs, Villiers failed, for some reason, to declare she held £70,000 worth of shares in Shell, an oil and gas company. Conflict of interest? You might think that, I couldn't possibly commit.

Windrush. One of May's lowest acts was wrongly deporting (and/or detaining) British subjects who had lived, legally, in the UK for their whole lives. Many others lost jobs or were denied vital medication. And she thought the naughtiest thing she'd ever done was run through that wheat field.

W is also for whip lover Gavin Williamson (incompetent and cruel, a lethal combo). and William Wragg who had to leave the Tories earlier this year when he admitted giving the contact details of other senior Conservatives to a blackmailer after becoming the victim of a Grindr honeytrap.

X-rated tractor porn is probably a bit tame for William Wragg but it appears to do it for former Tory MP Neil Parish who resigned after he was caught watching pornography at work. He claimed he was looking at tractors. I've heard of a Sexy MF but didn't know the MF stood for Massey Ferguson.

Years (14). Fourteen fucking years of these bastards. Fourteen fucking years. Please - no more. Never again

Zahawi (Nadhim). The former Chairman of the Conservative Party was another one given the boot after breaching the ministerial code seven times. As with everyone above this man should never be involved in our politics again. Let's make sure we see the back of them on Thursday.