TADS #75:Hayes to Isleworth (or Insane In The Crane).

Phew! That was the busiest year of TADS ever. Eleven walks. None of them cancelled. Nearly all of them fully completed. More importantly than anything else, it was a lot of fun too.

We started off in February with a stroll from Ash Vale to Farnham (there was cake, there was an Aldershot acorn). In March, three of us yomped via Eggington from Bletchley to Leighton Buzzard, April's walk from Balcombe to Haywards Heath saw the Ouse Valley Viaduct and the Ardingly Reservoir, May witnessed a mild ticking off between Guildford and Horsley, and in June we took a pleasurable amble between High Wycombe and Beaconsfield.

July saw us walk to Bognor Regis from Chichester and we were back at the coast in August for a boozy weekend's walking around Weston-super-Mare and Cheddar Gorge. September it was out to Stanford-le-Hope from Tilbury (with the pigs and horses) in Essex, and last month was a pretty long stretch from Meopham to Swanley and Kent. Then, last weekend, we finished it all off with Insane In The Crane which, truth be told, was not my favourite walk of the year.

That's not to throw shade on those who joined me. I enjoyed their company as much as ever but I wasn't feeling great at all. I've had (and still have) a bastard of a cold. I've been sweating, having hot flushes, having cold flushes, snotting, coughing, and sneezing and my eyes have been full of some horrific rheum/sleepy dust. On the way to the start of the walk (Windrush to Whitechapel, Elizabeth to Hayes and Harlington) I felt a bit faint.

When I got off the train into the fresh air I felt a bit better. When I, almost immediately, bumped into Adam, Teresa, and Shep I felt better still. We headed away from the station to the allocated brunch location past rows of former vinyl pressing factories and a large model of Nipper, the HMV dog.

So far, so good. Swallows Cafe, however, had seen better days. We could smell food but we could not avail ourselves of any. Something to do with food was going on inside the unfriendly looking industrial unit but what was once Swallows Cafe was now a junkyard.

A wicker basket, a cot, several bikes, a few smashed up tables but definitely no cafe anymore. We waited for Pam and headed back along the canal to whence we came from. It was a pretty stretch at least. We tried a cafe that had no room for us, considered Spoons, and then opted for Cafe Roma! Let's help out a small local independent business.

Oh dear! The guy serving had no rolls, sandwiches, or baguettes. No cheese either. Pam's tea was so awful she got Teresa to try it and Teresa could only remark "I think it's tea" as a large solid slop was peeled off the top. I had some toast that tasted like cardboard (that could have been my cold but it looked pretty disgusting) but Shep was happy with his fry up and when Colin and Jason arrived to join us they seemed happy with their orders too. 

Despite its uninspiring current state, Hayes has quite a storied history. It appears in the Domesday Book. was once home to EMI's HQ (Beatles records were manufactured at The Old Vinyl Factory), and among its historical residents we can find George Orwell (he was a senior master at Hawthorns' High School for Boys), and the composer William Byrd. In the case of Orwell, he camouflaged Hayes as West Bletchley for his enjoyable novel Coming Up For Air. Orwell called Hayes a "godforsaken" place full of "clerks" who frequent tin roofed chapels on Sundays and bolt themselves in for the rest of the week.

The methodists John and Charles Wesley used to preach in Hayes and it's also been the UK home of both Heinz and Nestle. United Biscuits used to make Jacob's Cream Crackers in Hayes and the first ever Marshall amp was made there. The EMI foundation stone was laid by Dame Nellie Melba.

The Crane, which we'd try and follow, is an eight a half mile long Thames tributary that flows through the boroughs of Hillingdon, Hounslow, and Richmond but we set off, first of all, along the canal and through North Hyde Gardens before coming off it, on an overly complicated bridge,  and heading via Watersplash Lane into Cranford Country Park with its veteran sweet chestnut tree.

We looked, without joy, for Tony Hancock's final resting place in St Dunstan's Church (Hancock only got to the age of 44 so perhaps I should stop moaning about my lot healthwise) and equally had no joy finding where The Frog's Ditch joined the Crane. It was a pleasant spot though. The sun was out, the fields were green, and everyone seemed in a jolly mood.

 

We passed through Berkeley Meadows, along Cranford Lane and through a residential area where the planes landing at nearby Heathrow started to look lower and lower. Because they were lower and lower. Another stretch of the Crane (or near the Crane) bought us out near Heathrow itself and as people had been asking about pubs (we had had a right cafe faff earlier) and the rain was starting to come down I decided to call an earlier pub stop.

We walked along the side of Heathrow and made our way to The Green Man in Hatton Cross where a one armed barman served us pints and Shep angrily dismissed Squeeze's Labelled With Love as one of the worst songs ever (I don't agree with him) and awarded the pub a seven out of ten.

Inevitably, this being end of term - you can bring games in, a two pint mistake was made and soon Pam and Colin were leaving as they had evening events. Pam had a birthday party in Hammersmith and Colin was off to see Public Service Broadcasting at the Barbican.

The rest of us left the pub and walked along a wet and dark road for a couple of miles. It was too dark and wet now to pick up the riverside path and time was also against us so after much debate (it felt endless) we decided to get a brace of buses to our end point. A friendly Christian lady gave us local travel advice and on the second bus, much to  Adam's immense glee, a couple of young girls gave up their seats for me and Shep.

Yes, that's how old we are now. On arriving in Isleworth (through busy roads, there had been rugby at Twickenham) there was just time for a quick drink in The Red Lion which Shep gave 6/10. It may have scored higher if it hadn't just hosted a kid's party that looked as if it had ended in a riot. In the Cinnamon Lounge, Sharon joined us and we talked about The Clash, looked (sadly) at a man's ample bum cleavage, and everyone (except me because I could hardly taste anything) enjoyed their food. And that was it. Then it was over. TADS done for another year. All too soon. I even felt a bit sad.

Thanks to Shep, Teresa, Adam, Pam, Jason, Sharon, and Colin for joining me yesterday (and to Pam and Colin for some of the photos used in this blog and Adam for the map) and thanks to (take a deep breath) Adam, Teresa, Pam, Shep, Roxanne, Clive, Jason, Sharon, James, Ian, Tina, Neil, Neill, Ben, Chris, Julia, Tony, Alex (and Freddie), Darren, Cheryl, and Dan  for being part of the ever expanding TADS family in 2025. Here's to February 2006 where we'll start in Alton for something I'm calling Bostin' Jane Austen. See you there. Have a good winter break.