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"I fell into a delightful delirium that none but souls like us experience, and unable to check my rapture flew madly from bust to bust and cabinet to cabinet like a butterfly bewildered in a universe of flowers" - William Thomas Beckford
The novelist, art critic, and politician William Thomas Beckford (1760-1844) was one of many who took the infamous Grand Tour of Europe as a rite of passage between the 17th and 19th centuries. Many others did too. Edward Gibbon, Mark Twain, Inigo Jones. But for Rob and Rylan's Grand Tour (BBC2/iPlayer) the focus is Lord Byron (on the 200th anniversary of his death). and specifically the time he spent in the three Italian cities of Venice, Florence, and Rome.
All of which Rob (Judge) Rinder and Rylan Clark visit during this enjoyable three part series. We learn a bit about Byron, we learn even more about Venice, Florence, and Rome, and perhaps we learn, more than anything, about Rob and Rylan who are an odd couple of pals but have a very sweet friendship. They seem to have bonded recently after both going through painful divorces and this trip seems to bring out the best of them. Even if I can't help thinking what lucky bastards celebrities are getting to do this kind of thing. Somebody send me on a tour of Italy. I'll tell you some good stories.
Tintoretto - Il Paradiso (c.1592)
Canaletto - Venice:Entrance To The Cannaregio (1742)
The trip begins in Venice. Canals, gondolas, Piazza San Marco, the Bridge of Sighs (as well as the Bridge of Tits - yes, really), Casanova, Canaletto, Tintoretto, a history of prostitution and sexual wantonness, masked balls, Vivaldi, and glass blowing on the island of Murano. Rob conducts an orchestra, both of them go on dates, and they both get dolled up as drag queens. Rylan looks like Conchita Wurst. Less happily, Rob looks more like Pauline Fowler as Rylan points out.
Later on he gives a shout out to Letitia Dean suggesting he's a proud Eastenders fan. Well, he is from Stepney Green. Which must feel a long way from Florence. Florence is, of course, Brunelleschi's dome atop the Duomo (still the largest brick dome ever built), Michelangelo's David, Donatello's David, and countless other nude sculptures, the Uffizi, the Bargello, the stories of Artemisia Gentileschi and the horrific torture she suffered, and a bloody game of calcio storico. A sport that appears to be a mix of rugby and a fight in a pub car park.
Botticelli - The Birth Of Venus (1485)
Caravaggio - Judith Beheading Holofernes (1598-9)
Both Rylan and Rob pose semi-naked for their own portraits. Perhaps surprisingly it is Rylan who is more self-conscious about his body. Of course the trip ends in the eternal city - Rome. The Trevi fountain, the Parthenon, the Spanish Steps, and the Colosseum ("a noble wreck in ruinous perfection" - Byron). There are scooters, churches - not least the Vatican, and trips to see the Castel Sant Angelo and the tomb of Cecilia Metella.
There are stories of popes, fashion (how British nobs returned home dressed as "macaroni" - even if they don't go into the links with eighties British casual culture and Italian designer labels), and the castrati. Perhaps the most celebrated of whom, Farinelli - the "blazing star", is described as like "Harry Styles on steroids" and there's a beginner's guide to baroque art and architecture as well as coffee in Caffe Greco, a place once haunted by the likes of Shelley, Keats, and, of course, Byron.
En route, we learn about Byron's pet monkeys, his narrative poem Childe Harold's Pilgrimage, his reusable sheep gut condom, his penile mercury injection, and how Lady Caroline Lamb once sent him an envelope containing her snipped off pubic hair.
Rob and Rylan are pretty tame in comparison. Rob Rinder is clever, cultured, and a fan of high art and opera - he loves classical music so much he even gets to conduct an orchestra playing some Vivaldi. He's concerned with authenticity and excited by ceiling frescoes but he's also, by his own admission, "buttoned-up" and is called by his friends "the gay that style forgot".
Rylan's not, at least at the start, so into art and culture. But for a guy not into art he has some very perceptive readings of it. He's a proud working class lad and celebrates working class culture (see those Eastenders mentions and multiply them by an amusing musing on The Only Way Is Essex) but he's far from stupid. As with Rob Rinder, you can't help warming to him the more time you spend in his company.
It's a fun three hours watching the two of them sip Aperol Spritz or drink Birra Moretti on beautiful Italian balconies and in glorious sun dappled plazas. It's funny when Rylan learns to say in Italian "I like your big dick" and when he refuses to eat a cow's arsehole and it's funnier still when Rob tells Rylan off for calling a gondolier Giuseppe. Rob points out you can't just call Italian men Giuseppe but Rylan tells him he met the guy earlier and his name IS Giuseppe!
But perhaps the most moving moment of the whole show, and particularly pertinent to me considering my own recent mental health struggles, is when Rylan talks about spiralling into depression following his divorce and how bad he felt about causing his much loved mum so much worry. It reduces Rob Rinder to tears. I'm not far off. If a programme can make you laugh AND cry then it's a pretty good programme I reckon. Right, who's buying me a ticket so I can make a similar programme. They haven't covered Milan, Bologna, or Naples yet.
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