My Musical Advent Calendar of 2018.

Merry Xmas.

For some reason (festive insanity? drunkenness? obsession with lists? maybe just a love of Yule) I decided this year to run down my favourite twenty-five Xmas songs on Facebook, one a day.

It's hardly an exact list and there are some songs that sneaked in for reasons other than their association with the season to be jolly but, anyway, for your future delectation and Spotify playlists, this is how it all panned out.

25. Elton John - Step Into Christmas.

Nothing says Christmas like a Watford season ticket and some piano led glam pop.

Here's Reg from Pinner with a shoulder shakin' banger that would later be covered by The Wedding Present. It's got lalalas and sleigh bells but it's also got a decent riff. But what would you buy Elton, the man who has everything except a sense of perspective, for Christmas?

24. Half Man Half Biscuit - All I Want for Christmas is a Dukla Prague Away Kit.

"There was one in the gang who had Scalextric, and because of that he thought he was better than you".

A classic 'choon' that looks at the thorny issues of Subbuteo, doting parents, Czech football, and the disappointment of shit Xmas presents.

"It always took about fifteen billion hours to set the track up".

23. Bathtub Shitter - Little Drummer Boy.

Nothing says Christmas like a Japanese extreme grindcore band called Bathtub Shitter.

Thought I'd get this curio over and done with early doors. Quite a lot of their songs are actually about defecation but they also branch out into urination (Rest in Piss). This sounds exactly like you imagine it will. Alas, perhaps because shitting in the bathtub is naughty, I can't post a direct link - but you can cut and paste the http address below if you're curious!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3HiDqQlgMW0

22. The Flaming Lips - Christmas at the Zoo.

"There wasn't any snow on Christmas eve and I knew what I should do. I thought I'd free the animals all locked up at the zoo. I opened up the fence where the peacocks were, the llamas were unleashed, the snakes and seals could all get out, but they refused to leave".

A track from 1995's Clouds Taste Metallic, remarkably The Flaming Lips SEVENTH album. The Lips can err towards the twee at times, it puts some people off but I think it adds to their charm and:-

(a) twee is ok at Xmas

(b) I interviewed Wayne Coyne once (did I mention it? Only about a hundred times) and he was absolutely lovely.

21. The Kinks - Father Christmas.

"The last time I played Father Christmas I stood outside a department store. A gang of kids came over and mugged me and knocked my reindeer to the floor".

Ray Davies in 1977 dressed up as Santa and singing a faintly ridiculous song about getting mugged, buying a machine gun, and inequality. Ho ho ho indeed.

I reckon Ray was having a stab at doing a Xmas punk song, a theory borne out by the b-side which is called Prince of the Punks. The charts remained unbothered.

20. Cocteau Twins - Frosty the Snowman.

Grangemouth's finest proto-shoegazers with their version of the heartbreaking tale of "a jolly happy soul" who used to "laugh and play" and "dance around" but, eventually had an altercation with a "traffic cop" (I'd never noticed that bit before) and disappeared for ever "over the hills of snow".

I used to like the Frosty the Snowman cartoons they'd show on Christmas morning.

19. The Buzzcocks - Orgasm Addict.

"You even made it with the lady who puts the little plastic bobbins on the Christmas cakes".

It's a change to the published programme today* but I don't think anyone's gonna complain about either the breach of protocol or the fact that this is not the most festive song ever. Unless you and the family like to pour gravy over your roast potatoes while discussing "stains on your jeans", "beating your meat to pulp", and, er, "makin' our with school kids".

RIP Pete Shelley. Thanks for the music. No doubt there will be a few singalongs between now and Xmas.

*Pete Shelley's death was announced the evening before this was inserted into the list.

18. Kurtis Blow - Christmas Rapping.

"A red-suited dude with a friendly attitude and a sleigh full of goodies for the people on the block. Got a long white beard, maybe looks kinda weird, and if you ever see him he could give you quite a shock".

Here's Kurtis Blow from Harlem way back in 1980 sporting a pretty natty suit and shirt collars that could take your eye out. This actually came out in '79 so it's about as old school as hip-hop gets.

"The dude in red's back at the Pole up north where everything is cold. But if he were right here tonight he'd say 'Merry Christmas and to all a good night'".

17. Kunt & The Gang - Kuntish Christmas*

The most NSFW selection of the whole yule is this absolutely awful song about lending your mate Les a strimmer.

Takes a while to get going but, oh my, when it does.

*It went a bit tits up round here (for some reason) and I posted a track by both The Butthole Surfers (Sweatloaf) and Kunt & The Gang for number 17 but K&tG is the more festive (!) so I've gone for that here. Even though YouTube have been removing K&TG videos and leaving me with just the 'kuntaoke' one to post!

16. Everly Brothers - Christmas Eve Can Kill You.

"The cold and empty evening hangs around me like a ghost. I listen to my footsteps in the snow. The sound of one man walkin' through the snow can break your heart".

If you're gonna top yourself to mark Jesus' birthday, and why not, it's as good day as any, maybe you'll want to whack on this sad banger from the legendary siblings of Shenandoah. Iowan doom doo-wop at its finest.

15. LCD Soundsystem - Christmas Will Break Your Heart.


I could write a lot of words about this but I think James Murphy has done it for me.*

*I was somewhat sad when I posted this one initially!

14. Lord Invader and the Calypso Rhythm Boys - Christmas Story.

Some upbeat call & response calypso to get you into the festive mood.

13. The Sonics - Don't Believe in Christmas.

"I don't believe in Christmas. I don't believe in Christmas. I don't believe in Christmas 'cause I didn't get nothin' last year".

Tacoma's finest garage rockers with a short and sprightly tale of trying "to get a little kiss" off "a pretty little miss" at Xmas, only to be called a "jerk" and told "mistletoe don't work".

Possibility they've heard Chuck Berry.

12. The Fall - Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.

"Glory to the new-born King! Peace on earth, and mercy mild".

Nothing says Xmas like a jolly red faced man and Mark E Smith was definitely one of those. On the year we lost him it'd be a shame not to include at least one of his festive offerings in our countdown.

11. The Futureheads - Christmas was Better in the Eighties.

Very much in the novelty bracket (but, hey, Xmas right) and very much of its time but I still remain a soft spot for The Futureheads and that's why they're the final act to sing praise to Santa (or Christ, go on then) before we reach our Top Ten. I've got my list in front of me and I'm checking it twice. Need to find out who's naughty or nice.

10. Teenage Fanclub - December.

"My mind is full of several things resembling a thought. I'll take this chance to tell my friends what I'm thinking of".

Definitely had that feeling, and the rest of the lyrics all ring true. There's certainly no fat on them. It may not be overly Xmassy but it's a better song than many above it in the list, and certainly it feels at least seasonal.

Seasonally sad but beautiful too. It's a Gerald Love composition so it's fitting that this should crop up on the year he bade an emotional farewell to the band after nearly thirty years.

"I wanted to assassinate December"!

9. Band Aid - Do They Know It's Christmas

"There's a world outside your window and it's a world of dread and fear. Where a kiss of love can kill you, and there's death in every tear, and the Christmas bells that ring there are the clanging chimes of doom".

Jeez, had forgotten how doom laden some of the lyrics were. Certainly a strange fit for a song that became the biggest selling UK single ever (until Princess Di died and Elton John took over) but when you figure in the personnel of the original Band Aid and what the record was raising money for it's no surprise.

What was a surprise that it was actually a really good song. I was sixteen at the time and transitioning from a Smash Hits to an NME reader but still the idea of members of Culture Club, Duran Duran, Spandau Ballet, Wham!, Kool and the Gang, The Police (and let's not forget that Jody Watley was on it) was a pretty big deal. It's probably because of my age but it seems, looking back, to have been a great era for strange pop stars, and, due to TOTP still being appointment viewing, ones that almost everybody instantly recognised. Definitely because of my age I remember it fondly. It was the first Xmas after I'd left school and I came to London and bought myself a really nice jumper in a shop on Oxford Street which seemed quite exciting.

8. The Waitresses - Christmas Wrapping.

"Bah Humbug, now that's too strong!".

Experimental post-punk from Akron, this one's seen by some as an 'alternative' festive favourite, but in truth you're as likely to hear it in the aisles of Sainsbury's as Paul McCartney's 'Wonderful Christmas Time'.

It's still a good tune though, a brassy discursive tale of forgetting the cranberries, dashing through the snow, and turning down all of one's Xmas Eve invites.

"The perfect gift for me would be completions and connections left from last year".

"Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Couldn't miss this one this year".

7. Ronettes- Sleigh Ride.

"Come on, it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you".

Just the tune to sing while getting splashed by cars driving through puddles on the Kentish Town Road, as I did last night - in the pouring rain. Not even snow!

One of the more traditionally festive singalongs of our countdown sees the NYC girls tackle Leroy Anderson and Mitchell Parish's 'light orchestra standard'. Later covered by The Spice Girls, TLC, and S Club Juniors. This version first appeared on the 1963 album 'A Christmas Gift for You from Phil Spector', an album which also included versions of White Christmas, Frosty the Snowman, I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus, and, er, Marshmallow World.

"Let's take that road before us and sing a chorus or two".

6. The Fall - Jingle Bell Rock.

"Post office, rot in hell. Friday night on Oxford Street, walking with green M&S bags. Join them up with old beef and sprouts".

71 seconds of MES (RIP) yelping his way through Beal and Boothe's seasonal standard and, of course, adding his own unique slant and lyrics.

"That's the Jingle Bell Rock".

5. Half Man Half Biscuit - It's Cliched to be Cynical at Christmas.

"How did I guess you were going to express your disdain at the crane with the bright fairy lights"?
As correctly guessed by Darren, HMHB make their second (and final?) appearance in the Christmas countdown with this lovely track from 2000's Trouble over Bridgwater. I love how it segues into I Saw Three Ships at the end. I think, finally, I am feeling festive.

But even if I was not - "All the same, here’s a card for your boring facade".

4. The Long Blondes - Christmas is Cancelled.

"Don't take your jacket off. This is not your home. Just raise a glass to two more people spending Christmas Day alone".

Arch indie pop from Sheffield's snappily attired Long Blondes in 2004 tells of 'snow', 'late night shopping', 'Christmas stockings', rejection, regret, and loneliness. A 'festive fuss' and no mistake, but one they almost make sound fun.

"Skilfully avoiding things that happened near a year ago".

3. The Pretenders - 2000 Miles.

"Sometimes in a dream you appear outside under the purple sky, diamonds in the snow sparkle, our hearts were singing. It felt like Christmas time".

Chrissie Hynde's soft rock paean to Santa and the season didn't do that much for me back in '83 when it came out but I've grown to love it more as the years go by and, this year, I'm marking my new found love of it by, myself, travelling, (more than) two thousand miles to celebrate the season.

"I'll think of you wherever you go".

2. Low - Just Like Christmas.

"The beds were small but we felt so young".

Aw, this'll melt your heart if you have one. Fond memories of listening to Low's Christmas songs several years after they came out in 1999 but this, the obvious one I guess, is my favourite.

"It was just like Christmas".

"It was just like Christmas".

"It was just like Christmas".

"It was just like Christmas".

1.Mariah Carey - All I Want For Christmas Is You.

"Santa Claus won't make me happy with a toy on Christmas day. I just want you for my own more than you could ever know".

Hey, come on. You didn't think Bathtub Shitter were number one did you?

I'm not even a Mariah fan (or even a Christian for that matter) but I love this song and, in that, it encapsulates all that is good and right about Christmas:- seeing the good in people you don't see eye to eye with, spending time with loved ones, missing (desperately) other loved ones, and lots of bells ringing.

Oh, and a beautiful woman in a Santa outfit. When I used to see this on TOTP2 I assumed it to be much older than it is and was surprised to find out it came out in 1994 and was held off the Xmas number one spot by East 17's Stay Another Day. I looked at the rest of the top ten that Christmas. It's dire - Boyzone, Celine Dion, Jimmy Nail, Rednex, Bon Jovi (in correct company), Zig and Zag,  and Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.

So, thanks to Mariah Carey, of all people, for making Xmas sound really rather wonderful, incredibly romantic, and full of snowstorms. I can be a grinch (though, hopefully, not a Scrooge) at times but if this ol' festive malarkey is to have any meaning whatsoever then that meaning should be to spend time, physical or mental, with your loved ones, to take time out to think of those less fortunate and those you are unable to spend time with for whatever reason, and to hopefully give out more love than you could ever hope to receive in return.

With that, I raise a glass of red wine to my lips, adjust my party hat, pop another mint chocolate in my mouth and wish you all a cool Yule and more love in 2019 than you'll know what to do with.

XXXX