Read It In Books:Teeth.

I've not seen John Patrick Higgins' new teeth. He lives in Northern Ireland and I live in London so we don't catch up as much as I'd like. I have, however, read his book Teeth - which is all about those new teeth and how he came to get them - and I found it a very agreeablee read.

Like him, I've been put through the wringer a bit when it comes to dental work. Most obviously the time I fell off a pushbike and the nut that holds the handlebars in place smashed into my face cutting both my front teeth in half, damaging a few others, and leaving me with twenty-two stitches in my chin and upper lip. The dental work to repair this lasted for years and wasn't helped when my dentist was sent to prison for murdering another dentist (if I remember rightly, both dentists had fallen in love with the same third dentist and it their rivalry had escalated pretty drastically).

Which was a shame as I quite liked that dentist (obviously I didn't know about the murdering although perhaps John did as in his book he says that dentists make good murderers) John's dental experiences have been quite different to mine. I'm not sure if any event, falling off a bike or otherwise, resulted in John's bad teeth but, by his own admission, he'd had bad teeth for a long time and, unlike many people - specifically many British people - Americans wouldn't stand for it, he decided to not only do something about it but write a book that chronicled, humorously and sometimes a little lugubriously, this process.

The humour comes easily and it comes early, and it continues right through to the end. As I suspected it would. John describes himself as having a "gob full of broken biscuits" and remembers feeling pleased when Covid meant he got to wear a mask to cover them up while also coming up with some very funny lines. Not least when he mentions his "brittle breadstick legs" and describes a feeling of sinking with "the sadness of a dropped accordion".

Later he'll talk about being "as erotic as hairy porridge" and his teeth, or teeth in general, are variously described as pearlies, neolithic stones (possibly covered in lichen), wet autumn leaves and loose chippings, hollowed out cakes in the rain, an abandoned quarry, half-chewed corn niblets, long vacated shells of withered bivalves, and a gruesome mixed grill in a greasy spoon. Not, generally, the kind of descriptions that Colgate would use for their advertising.

It's not all laughs though. Wearing a gumshield to bed sounds uncomfortable and inconvenient and catching MRSA and spending months in hospital (a story I knew about) sounds far more depressing (or, perhaps, character building) if not quite as bad as the story of St Appollonia of Alexandria, the patron saint of dentists, who died jumping into a fire after being tortured and having her teeth pulled out by pincers. It's one of the little educational morsels I picked up reading this book. See also the widespread belief that George Washington had wooden teeth.

It's always an education, as much as a laugh, with John. Of course he manages to remind us just how much he hates football - only once though (and I was watching football when I read that bit for what it's worth) - and more movingly he touches on living with low level depression, breaking his knee (very painful sounding, I had gout in BOTH of my knees once and that hurt enough) and then, of course, there's all that dental work. Not just the work but the sometimes awkward, sometimes warm, interactions with his dentist and various other members of the medical and administrative staff - and a few random strangers to boot.

 References (which I've come to expect, and enjoy, when reading John's writing) come thick and fast and they're, often, just the sort of ones I'd hope for. David Sylvian, Theatre of Blood, Valerie and her Week of Wonders, Dr Who, Spandau Ballet, Woody Woodpecker, Reece Shearsmith, Chuck D, Peters and Lee, Van Gogh, Hammer House of Horror, Nick Rhodes, Nosferatu, Les Dawson, Italo Calvino, Quentin Crisp, Richard Kiel, Stephen "Tin Tin" Duffy, Ken Dodd, and even Max Headroom! Even lovely Rylan! It's a great big patchwork world of things I love and things I remember but haven't thought about for a long time. A bit like one of my dreams. It all goes together to make a very easy, very enjoyable read. Surely a lot easier and enjoyable to read this book than to suffer the experiences that resulted in it being written

Thanks to Darren for this generous gift and thanks to John for writing it, and undergoing all the dental pain and expense in the first place. I recommend everyone gets their teeth into this book and I look forward to, hopefully, catching up with John and his new gnashers very soon.