"We're all trying to get rid of traitors" - Jonathan Ross
"W'ere not ALL trying to get rid of traitors" - Joe Marler
In the end, there was never any doubt. Celebrity Traitors (BBC1/iPlayer) was enormously successful, tense in places, hilarious in others, and hugely addictive and enjoyable. I'd had doubts. As a big fan of the 'cilivian' version I wondered it it'd be too knowing, too cosy, or even too boring. I needn't have. It was none of those things. My fears were dispelled a few minutes into the first episode and I was hooked from thereon in.
For a start, unlike regular Traitors, I didn't have to spend the first few episodes trying to work out who everyone was and remember their names. That's because, unlike other celebrity shows, these were mostly people I'd heard of. Some of them very famous. I sorted them in to a rough order of fame at the beginning so here goes:-
Stephen Fry (the elder statesman and national treasure with "a sticky memory"), Jonathan Ross (sporting, of course, a bewildering array of daft outfits), horsey Clare Balding (from Kingsclere, near where I grew up), Celia Imrie (openly snooping, sometimes looking like a naughty little schoolboy and, on one occassion, loudly farting), Tom Daley (the male eye candy of the show, he's the one they show in the shower), and Charlotte Church who wears lots of nice outfits and is always unfailingly nice even if her 'girls' (her words, not mine) can be a distraction.
There's sweaty, but adorable, Alan Carr, loud Kate Garraway, rugby player Joe Marler (good natured, physically strong, and pretty smart to boot), kooky Paloma Faith, Mark Bonnar (who seems not unlike some of the characters I've seen him play), deadpan Joe Wilkinson, Lucy Beaumont (lovely Hull accent), clever Nick Mohammed, Cat Burns (who seems nice but doesn't know who either Judi Dench or Helen Mirren is), quiet David Olusoga, and three I'd not heard of. Tameka Empson (not the outdoor type) is in Eastenders which I don't watch, actress Ruth Codd ("don't piss in my ear and tell me it's raining"), and YouTuber Niko Omilana.
To a soundtrack of The Cranberries (Zombie), Nina Simone, Amy Winehouse, Soul II Soul, The Verve, Carl Orff's O Fortuna, and Siouxsie's version of Iggy Pop's The Passenger (as well, of course, as the standard level spooky background music) the contestants are tasked with digging their own graves, visiting haunted cabins in the woods, dealing with wailing banshees, some nonsense with a Trojan horse, and, in Joe Marler's words, meeting "gold faced cloak people".
Most of this, however, is mere prelude to the best bit of the entire show. The round table. That's the bit everyone looks forward to and it's comforting to discover that celebrities are just as bad at spelling each other's names as us civilians. Some of them follow the herd, some of them seem to change their minds on a whim, and some of them simply accuse anyone who has the gall to accuse them first.
It doesn't yield fantastic results to begin with. There seems to be something in Joe Marler's "big dog theory" and surely when one contestant forgets they'd won a shield that will see them banished? Or maybe not? As Claudia Winkelman and the peacocks and deer wander around looking glamorous, our faithfuls and traitors seem utterly clueless as they go round and round in circles and the clock ticks down.
The ratings, of course, go gangbusters and I find myself so eager for more I tune in to Uncloaked with Ed Gamble straight after each episode (no celebrity guests, just previous civilian traitors), as well as listening to every Rest of Entertainment podcast with Marina Hyde and Richard Osman about it. I'm not telling you how it all panned out (though you'll almost certainly know by now) except to say the final episode is brilliant and dramatic. The celebrities will be lining up for next year's game already. I don't blame them.
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